4.\tI will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces.
5.\tWhen the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I'll kill him then and there.
6.\tWhen I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so.
7.\tAnyone inquiring after the secret of my s place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade.
11.\tI will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic. 12.\tI will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.
13.\tSelf-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to rephrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.
14.\tI will waste no time trnever works.
19. If I am Forced to make a choice Between saving a friend or lover and Fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself That failing to ACCOMPLISH Probably the mission will result in Their death anyway, and go on with the mission.
20. If I am Captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume That He is tracking me in Some Manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I'll first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment, and Means of transportation, and Then Go to the hidden rebel base.
21. If Any of my associates mysteriously Disappears, And Then returns Behaving in an uncharacteristic Manner, I will Immediately presumed Their loyalty That Has Been Compromised by the Evil Overlord.
22. Old fMLXC 26.\tNo matter how sincere he looks, I will never shake the Evil Overlord's hand.
27.\tWhen my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately.
28.\tAnything that appears to have been too easy--escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.--probably was too easy.
29.\tIf the Evil Overlord invites me to go on a hunt with him, I will decline the invitation.
30.\tIf I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little s
60. When five seconds dog mean the difference Between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.61. After knocking out a bad guy, I will kill him silently if I can, cripple him silently if I can not kill him, or disarm him if I can cripple Neither normal kill him. If I fail to do Any of These, I will come to and jump me from behind.
62. My loyal, trusted and Heavily Armed bodyguards Will Always Be on hand.
63. I will never leave my True Love and / or family unless unguarded They Defend Themselves dog.
64. I will always pack as much firepower as I can.
65. I will never allow my people to speak to Prisoners alone, But Idistance between me and my target.
72.\tWhen I am forced to decide which of two identical people is the Trusted Ally and which is the Evil Doppelganger, I will stun them both and sort things out in the brig.
73.\tWhen I make my escape from the Evil Overlord's encampment, I will sabotage as much of the enemy's pursuit capacity (horses, jeeps, rocket bikes, etc) as opportunity permits, sparing only enough for the use of my companions and me.
74.\tIf my trusty sidekick always blurts out the fact that I am carrying the most powerful magic object in the world, then I will get a sidekick who is less of a blabbermouth.
75.\tNo robots serving with me will be permitted to have emotion chips.
76.\tI will be courteous to emulate.
81.\tIf I am in dire straits due to a lack of the rare substance that fuels my ship, I will scan my environs for supplies of the substance, paying especial attention to the natives' jewelry and other decorative artifacts.
82.\tMy guards will be instructed so that when a voice around the corner says "come here," they will assume the speaker to be an intruder and respond accordingly.
83.\tIf I am forced to retreat after being ambushed by overwhelming forces, I will not run home where it's safe; whoever is behind the ambush probably has plans for me when I get there.
84.\tI almost certainly have an Evil Twin running around somewhere, if not by birth then as a creation of the Evil Overlord. I will keep an eye out for him, and plan accordingly.
85. I will never allow fashion sense to Prevent me from carrying capability SP, or whatever is needful for the Heroic Struggle.
86. When the Evil Overlord tries to guilt-trip me by Claiming That'll be responsible for Something I have PLANS to do if I do not COOPERATE with him, I'll mercilessly quote Ayn Rand to him.
87. If the Evil Overlord wears a mask hiding historical features, it's Either Because He Does not Want to Be Recognized or bodaciously Because He's ugly. I will psych myself up for the Shock Resulting from Either cause When I rip the mask off of him.
88. When someone opens the Eldritch Portal to Hell, and I Have the Means to close it, I will Employ Immediately Said Means, AND NOT stop to explain Things to everyone.
89. Whine about People Who Are Not Being trusted Either (a.) Operatives for the Evil Overlord, (b.) Mind-controlled by the Evil Overlord, (c.) Totally clueless about concepts like OPSEC and need-to-know, or ( d.) Dangerously neurotic and / or immature, and consequently Are Not to be trusted.
90. If a mystic proclaims That My destiny is to "defeat the darkness," "bring freedom to the Downtrodden," or Some Such Other glorious Accomplishment, I will Immediately begin Preparations for the role. I Will Not wait for the mystic and Several Other innocents to get rubbed out by the Evil Overlord.
91. If my Powers depend on a talisman in my possession, I will never Openly display it, pero keetc.), I will not dismiss them without further justification.
95.\tThe assistance of politicians will be obtained by appealing to their self-interest. Any politician who appears to be cooperating with me out of the kindness of his heart is actually plotting to betray me at some point.
96.\tIf my Mentor is slain in combat with the Evil Overlord or his henchmen, I will withdraw quietly, instead of shouting "Noooooo!" at the top of my lungs.
97.\tMountains and castles that are shaped like skulls, hideous faces, fists, etc., are the very Lairs of Evil. All visits will be planned accordingly.
98.\tFemale sidekicks who are loyal and dependable make much better True Loves than do vain, pampered princesses who never give me the time of day.
99. I will ascertain the whereabouts of all Relatives and possible progeny from past love affairs. It's a sure bet the ones That I Can not account for Whom Are Now working for, or Might Be Actually, the Evil Overlord.
100. I Will Not spurn the Assistance of a hermit / scholar Merely Because I have my other associates Claim is insane.
101. If I find myself born or Drafted Into a universe Wherein the Laws of Nature Do Not Consistent Principles obey, I will depart for an alternate universe created by a more reasonable author.
If I Am Ever a Starfleet Captain ...
102. I will design my ship's tactical systems so That I Do Not Have to Personally Every s direct107.\tWhen the enemy ship decloaks and is arming weapons, I will immediately open fire on it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times.
108.\tWhen a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical I will have the computer disconnected, its memory flushed, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs.
109.\tAnyone who cannot be entertained by books, music, a good game of cards and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship.
110.\tAfter capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the enemy's computer systems removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A neThen computer will Be w installed.
111. If a crew member is a sanctimonious coward Who Continually gets Into trouble us all historical-through greed, I Marshall, after the third or Fourth episode of this Behavior, act to preserve myself and Other Comrades only, and let him Be Destroyed by the mess I made for Himself.
112. Under no Circumstance will I agree to Employ or Not Develop Any particular technology.
113. If I have a technologically superior foe intent on Eliminating Who is my whole civilization, and I am Offered a Means of utterly annihilating this foe for all time, I will use it.
114. I will install seatbelts in my space Vessels, and Have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals.
115. Technolssignment to Ops or Engineering. The technical manuals and blueprints of a totally fictitious craft will be freely available.
119.\tIf my ship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle.
120.\tMy ship's computer will have a clock rate of at least one megahertz and be programmed in C or assembler so that important calculations take a few milliseconds instead of an hour or so.
121.\tIf a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans.
122.\tIf my ship is constantly being bugged, robbeexpress a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather exonerating evidence. Instead, I will immediately mount a rescue mission.
126.\tWhen beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down.
127.\tIf I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.
128.\tI will not have both rotating and non-rotating sections on a ship. If I need rotational gravity, I will spin the whole ship. Any navigational computer that cannot deal with this will be replaced withNot Be the only people staffing Those functions, They Shall Accompany north away teams.
138. I will not ask "What does God Need with a space ship?" And then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder Theology on the trip home.
139. My People Will Be Assigned Their Duties commensurate with skills. I Will Not Leading task with pilots to ground assault, Infiltrating enemy camps, etc.
140. If I board a derelict ship, and it Appears That The Former Passengers and crew all Died in Some horrible fashion, I will Immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage Into The nearest stellar object.
141. If I am in red alert status and discover That It Was a false alarm, I will stay in red alert for a while before standing down.
142.\tAnyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes.
143.\tAny crew member who begins to act strangely will be immediately relieved of duty and confined to the sick bay, pending a complete screening to determine if their personality has been subverted.
144.\tI will not let the Whiz Kid conduct research aboard my ship. If he's got a theory that he's itching to test, I will deposit him on an uninhabited planet in friendly space, and make sure that I'm out of the system before he's done unpacking.
145.\tI will not depart the starbase unless my complement of Marines are on board.
146. I will hold repel-boarders drills on my ship. These drills will Be held at random hours so everyone That Learns What in Klotho's name they're Supposed To Be Doing, No Matter What The Circumstances.
147. My junior Will Be Notified That Officers Academy cadets not can be field-commissioned, and Should They Come Entirely upon a ship crewed by Such, They Will Immediately take command and return to Them Where They Receive dog adult supervision.
148. I will never send the infantry down on missions That Are Better suited for orbital bombardment.
149. If the issued zap guns have "stun" and "kill" modes, They Will Be Set to the Former Only When the user is about to fire at som
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