I f I Ever Become The Evil Overlord ...
1. My Legions of Terror Will Have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, face-Concealing Not ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother Whose throne I usurped will be Killed, Not Kept Imprisoned anonymously in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact Which is the source of my power Will Not Be Kept on the Mountain of Despair Beyond The River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The Same Applies to the object Which one is my Weakness.unds of ammunition empties Into Them, Not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of Their Deaths, as well as celebration Accompanying Any, Will Be Deferred Until aforemention after the disposal.
14. The hero is Not Entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or Any Other form of last request.
15. I will never Employ Any device with a digital countdown. If I find That Such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will in September when to activate it to the counter Reaches 117 and the historical hero is just putting Into operation plan.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But Before I kill you, There's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I Employ people as advisors, I will listen Occasionallyers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. Eventually All Were Defeated and I want my Troops to Have a more positive mind-set.
22. Tempted No matter how I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I Will Not consume energy field Any Bigger Than My Head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in Their use. That way - Even if the heroes manage to Neutralize my power generator and / or render the standard-issue energy Weapons useless - my Troops Will Not Be overrun by a handful of savages Armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will Maintain a Realistic Assessment of my Strengths and Weakness. Even Though this Takes Some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, threally am. Good messengers Are hard to come by.
33. I will not require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear stainless-steel bustier. It's hard on Their morale. Similarly, outfits made from black leather Entirely Will Be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I Will Not Turn Into a snake. It never helps.
35. I Will Not Grow a goatee. In the old days They made you look Diabolic. Now They just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I Will Not imprison members of the party in the Same Same cell block, let alone the Same cell. If They Are Prisoners important, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person handing out copies INSTEAD OF to Every bottom-rung guard in the prison. C
HTMLXC 37. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all Those pesky time-travel devices.
38. If an enemy I Have Just Killed You Any Younger siblings or offspring, I will find Them and Have Them Killed Immediately, INSTEAD of Letting Them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance Towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must-ride Into battle, I will ride Certainly Not at the Forefront of my Legions of Terror, normally will I seek out my historical Among Opposite Number army.
40. Neither I will be sporting chivalrous rules. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early as possible and as Often INSTEAD OF Keeping it in reserve.
41. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror Are Losing abrity keypad will Actually Be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone Who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints Then subsequently tries to enter by repeating That sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No Matter How Many We Have shorts in the system, my guards Will Be instructer to treat Every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone Who saved my life in the past. This is only reasonable, as it encourager Others to do so. However, it's a one-time offer. If They want me to spare Them again, they'd Better save my life again.
69. Independent midwives will Be banned from the realm. All babies Will Be Delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans Will Be Placed4. I Will Not Have captives of one sex guarded by members of the Opposite Sex.
85. I Will Not Use Any Which plan in the final step is horribly Complicated, eg "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar Then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will Be more Along the lines of "Push the button."
86. That I will make sure my doomsday device is up to code and Properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous Chemicals Will Be Covered WHEN NOT IN USE. Also, I Will Not Above Them construct walkways.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I Will Not berate Them for Incompetence, Then send the Saami group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I Will Not Immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because i believe whoever Holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I Took it from him.
90. I Will Not design my Main Control Room so That Every workstation is Facing away from the door.
91. I Will Not ignore the messenger That stumbles in exhausted and agitated Until Obviously my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It Might Actually Be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I Will Not taunt him. Instead I will say this His dogged perseverance has Given me new insight on the futility of my evil Ways, and if I That leaves me alone for a Few Months of quiots or Any Other Adhere to dress codes.
105. I Will Not Employ devious Schemes That Involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum Before The trap is sprung.
106. If my supreme command center eat under attack, I will flee to my Prepared Immediately escape pod and direct the defenses from There. I Will Not Wait Until the Troops break into my inner sanctum to Attempt this.
107. Even Though I do not really care because i plan on living forever, I will hire engineers Who are Able to build me a fortress sturdy enough That, if I am slain, it Will not tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
108. Any magic and / or technology That Can miraculously resurrect a secondary character Who have sacrificed his / herlife will be outlawed and destroyed.
109.\tI will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and outlander accents shall regularly climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
110.\tI will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted that he'll never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
111.\tI will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
112.\tI will not rely on "totally reliabe!"
118.\tIf I have equipment which has some important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
119.\tI will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
120.\tSince nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
121.\tIf I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
122.\tThe gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so That They May direct fire inward or at Each Other.
123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will Be required to remove and shave Their hooded Cloaks Before Entering Their Beards.
124. Prior to kidnapping an old older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will Investigate His offspring and make sure That I've Neither a beautiful daughter But naive Risk Who is willing to anything to get him back, standards are an estranged Who works in But the Same field Had a falling-out with His Father Many Years Ago.
125. Should i actually decide to kill the hero in an escape-proof Elaborate deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, Converging walls, etc.) I Will Not Leave Himacks Are Easily removable and mounted externally.
129. Despit the delicious irony, I Will Not force two heroes to fight Each Other in the sand.
130. All members of my Legions of Terror Will Have Professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier Unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will Give him away.
131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
132. Before Appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct Thorough background investigation and security clearance.
133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has-been associating with the hero, I'll Have her execute. It's regrettable, But Are Easier new consortsAwarded posthumously.
148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me That Could Possibly Work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure in fact-it That Could Possibly Work.
149. Supporting Ropes Various fixtures Will Not Be tied next to open windows or staircase, chandeliers and Will Be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
150. I Will Provide Funding and research to Develop Tactical and Strategic Weapons Covering a full range of social Needs Are Not My Choice limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet."
151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant. C
HTMLXC 152. I will INSTRUCT That my fashion designer when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with Every outfit.
153. My Legions of Terror Will Be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, it is prophesied When That no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the Increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
154. I will INSTRUCT my Legions of Terror in Proper search techniques. In particular, if They are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They Went That Way! "They Must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant Before dashing off in hot pursuit.
155. If I know of Any heroes in the land, I Will Not Under Any Circumstance kill Their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
156.\tIf I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
157.\tWhen plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion three days after it's scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
158.\tI will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
159.\tIf I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
CHg for me, it will now be heading for him.
179.\tI will not outsource core functions.
180.\tIf I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
181.\tI will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
182.\tI will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
183.\tBefore using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
184.\tI will hire a drama coach. The hero will thinkIt Must Be A Case of Mistaken Identity When Confronted by my Minnesotan accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornish accent (if everyone sounds British).
185. If I capture an enemy Known for escaping via Ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items Before throwing him in my dungeon.
186. I Will Not devise Any scheme in Which Consists of Part A tricking the hero Into unwittingly helping me and Part B Consists of laughing at him Then Leaving him to His own devices.
187. I Will Not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR Among the guests Does not make up for the bad PR Among the masses.
188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gaInto ins urban renewal projects. Although slums and Picturesque add a quaint quality to Any city, They Contain Too Often Allies for unexpected heroes.
189. I will never tell the hero "Yes I Was The One Who Did It, But You'll Never Be Able to Prove It To That incompetent old fool." Chances are, That incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.
190. If my mad scientist / wizard tells me I have my superweapon Almost Perfect But It Still Needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever Conquered the world using a beta version.
191. I Will Not Appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of MOST breakdowns in policy, But It Also you cause trouble with the EEOC.
192.\tIf I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
193.\tIf I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. The fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
194.\tI will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travelers to entrust them to aged hermits.
195.\tI will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to ards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
205.\tAll repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
206.\tWhen my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
207.\tEmployees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Anyone caught making out in a closet and leaving their station unmanned will be shot.
208.\tMembers of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good PR for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
209.\tI will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch, simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
210.\tAll guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
211.\tIf my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
212.\tI will not send out Battalions Composed Wholly of robots or skeletons Against Heroes Who Have Qualms about killing living beings.
213. I Will Not wear long, heavy Cloaks. While They make a bold fashion statement, They Have an annoying Tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over DURING an escape.
214. If a Malignant Being a sacrificial victim Demands Have A particular quality, I will check to make sure you have this quality victim Said Immediately Before The Not Rely on sacrifice and Earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
215. If I MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you 're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
216.\tIf my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
217.\tIf I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to be-come my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
218.\tI will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container,
226. I Will Have A Competent staff of detectives handy. If I learn That someone in the Un certain village is plotting Against Me, I will find out who Have Them Rather Than Entire wipe out the village in a preemptive strike.
227. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
228. If the hero reivindicaciones I Wish to confess in public or to me Personally, I will remind him That notarized deposition will serve just as well.
229. If I Have Several diabolical Schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them to be in motion at once Rather Than Wait for Them to fail and launch Them successively.
230. I Will Not put off Any ritual Granting immortality.
