Man of Steel,
Woman of Kleenex
By Larry Niven *
Things of the form (* text *) are footnotes in the original text.
H e's faster than a speeding bullet. He's more powerful than a locomotive. He's able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Why can't he get a girl?
At the ripe old age of thirty-one (* Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938 *), Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!
An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been aschizophrenia? Torn Between human and Kryptonian historical identities, I chose to Be Both, Keeping His Split Personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is Evident in His defense of his "secret identity."
But Superman's sex Problems Are Strictly Physiological, and quite real.
The purpose of this article is to point out Some medical drawbacks to being to Kryptonian Among Human Beings, and to Suggest possible solutions. The Kryptonian humanoid Must Not Be allowed to go the way of the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.
I
W hat turns on a Kryptonian?
Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. Doubtless His humanoid frame is the result of parallel evolution,Marsupials of Australia as the mammalian resemblance Their Counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a Certain shape, A Certain size, Certain Capabilities, Certain eating habits. Be Not Deceived
by Appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens. What arouse
Kal-El's mating urge? Women carry Kryptonian Did Some subtle mating cue at Appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane Probably Did not Have it. May We speculate That she smells wrong, less like a Kryptonian woman Than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating entre Superman and Lois Lane Would feel like sodomy-and Would Be, of course, by church and common law.
II
A
SSUM to mating entre SLXCL
astly, he'd blow off the top of her head.Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*
One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that? *)
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.Artificial insemination may give us better results.
V
F
irst iquid helium, or the core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?
Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.
At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.Or will there?
VI
A
ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down her Fallopian tube.Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, releaseC Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.
Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.
VIII
T
his is more serious than it looks. Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite. (*
And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red kryptonite that make giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million earthworm size spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls... but I digress.*) There they arperm attracted by chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions; and kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of miles, before it gives up and dies.
Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. (*
If the pubescent Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.*)
Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic diamond form...
IX
T
he above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no difficulty. artificial insemination.
By any of These Methods We Can get LL pregnant, Without killing her. Are we out of the woods yet?
XI
T hough Exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still Carries Kryptonian genes. If These Are recessive, Then LL carrier to Developing Human fetus. There Will Be no more Supermen; But at least we Need Not worry about the mother's health. But if
Some or all of the Kryptonian Are dominant genes ...
Can the infant use historical X-ray vision Before birth? After all, with Such a power He Can See Through His Own Probably Eyelids closed. That Would leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vision, events Things get worse. But
allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.
A better solution is to find a host-mother.
We have not yet considered the existence of a Supergirl. (*
She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would suggest differently.
*) She could carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of school.
A better solution may be to implant the growing foetus in Superman himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a foetus could draw adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and Where It Would Not cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent dog take a leave of absence more Easily Than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.
When the time comes, the child Would Be removed by Caesarian section. It Would Have To Be removed early, But There Would Be no problem with incubators as long as it WAS fed. I leave the problem of cutting-through Superman's invulnerable skin as an Exercise for the alert reader. The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of Metropolis. Would Batman refuse to Be seen with him, strange new jokes Would Circulate the Prisons ... and the race of Krypton Would Be safe at last.
Re
printed from All the Myriad Ways© 1971 by Larry Niven.
Reprinted with permission.
Converted to HTML by Steve Walstra
This article has-been translated Into Italian!
In Existence Since December 1, 1994, last modified Fri Dec 26 00:53:53 PST 2008
